I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
if i died would you start the facebook group?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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