I hate all girls vehemently.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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