The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This is classic penis vs brain.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
