Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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