So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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