she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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