I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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