..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
