I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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