i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
