I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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