i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
