this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
