What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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