Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
