You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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