you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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