His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize