Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
