"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
