Got a toothbrush?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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