my mouth tastes like poor choices
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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