So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
