Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
