the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
