i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
