ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
