I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
this just has baby written all over it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
