Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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