even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
