so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
