Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
