We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
