Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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