Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
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