my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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