Just cropdusted the office
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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