there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
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