Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize