Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
