spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
