If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
