Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
