I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I would ride that face into the sunset
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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