she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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