i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
