I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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