I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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