Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
