just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
