I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
