We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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