Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
