I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
