Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
