I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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