dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
